Little WindRiding Kagura
by jade
Summary: Um, a bit of an unconventional twist on the fairytale, let's just say Naraku makes lunch for the Inuyasha-tachi with unexpected results!


Yeah, this is kind of a weird little thing that I did when I was sick one day and I just found it again and decided to post it.

Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha.

Warnings: Um…okay, some characters are made fun of and remember it's all in good fun. Don't hurt me! 

Little Wind Riding Kagura (Or, Jade's bored with a cold.) 

            Once upon a time there was a wind youkai by the name of Kagura. Kagura had the unfortunate luck to be born from another youkai named Naraku and had to live with him and her very creepy (but strangely cool) sister Kanna. 

  
            One day, Kagura was called into the kitchen by Naraku who was hard at work packing a picnic basket.

   
            "Kagura, I need you to deliver this basket." Naraku ordered her. 

  
            "To who?" Kagura was irritated by the fact that her duties were now that of a messenger girl's. 

  
            "The Inuyasha-tachi." Naraku closed the lid of the basket. 

  
            "Wait, aren't we trying to kill them?" Kagura raised her eyebrows. 

  
            "It would be rude not to offer them lunch." Naraku look scandalized. Kagura tried to argue that killing them in itself was rude but gave in after some quite literal heart wrenching persuasions on Naraku's part. 

  
            So Kagura took the basket on foot as she had no wish to be shot out of the sky by Kagome's arrows. Along the way, she passed a zombie miko.

   
            **(Kikyo protests to being called a 'zombie miko' and says she would very much prefer to be called a 'living dead miko.') **

  
            "Where are you going?"  Kikyo asked coldly, not that corpses are ever really that warm. 

  
            **(Kikyo also protests being referred to as a corpse.) **

  
            "Naraku wants me to deliver this picnic to the Inuyasha-tachi." Kagura explained. 

  
            "Um..." Kikyo looked confused. This was a rare occurrence for the cadaver. 

  
            **(Kikyo protests to the distasteful references to her state of health and also would like to tell all those who are snickering and muttering, "What health?" she knows who you are.) **

  
            "Why is Naraku handing out picnic baskets?" Kikyo questioned. 

  
            "Don't ask me." Kagura shrugged. "Perhaps he's trying to tug on some of the reader's heartstrings." She missed Kikyo coughing something that sounded suspiciously like 'literally.' 

  
            "Well, I don't want to know." Kikyo waved a hand then pointed to the woods Kagura was about to walk into. "Oh yeah, Kouga's hiding behind a tree and he's trying to scare people." 

  
            "'Kay." Kagura heeded this and walked on. 

  
            Sure enough, Kouga jumped out from behind a tree. 

  
            "BOO!" Kouga yelled. Kagura sighed, she needed an aspirin. 

  
            "Eek." Kagura deadpanned. 

  
            "I'm a scary wolf youkai!" Kouga continued because he didn't realize who he had just jumped out at. 

  
            "What the hell is your problem? Is it National Lame Wolf Youkai Day again?" Kagura questioned. 

  
            "No!" Kouga saw it was Kagura and felt stupid because he thought it was Shippo. "I'm not lame." 

  
            "No, it couldn't possibly by that day because I don't see Ayame around anywhere." Kagura agreed. 

  
**(Ayame tired to protest this but when presented with the evidence (the lame outfit, the even lamer powers, the eyebrows that looked like two slugs died on her forehead, etc.) she was forced to admit that she was indeed a total and utter reject.) **

**  
            **"What are you doing with that basket?" Kouga asked suspiciously. 

  
            "Naraku wants me to take this picnic lunch to the Inuyasha-tachi." Kagura explained for the second time that day. 

  
            "Um...why is Naraku making us lunch?" Kouga scratched his head. 

  
            "Wait, you aren't even _in_ the Inuyasha-tachi!" Kagura spoke accusingly. 

  
            "We re-named it the Kouga-tachi." Kouga explained. 

  
            "Uh huh." Kagura agreed skeptically. "Where are they?" 

  
            "Oh, they're on the other side of these woods." Kouga pointed. Kagura wandered away wondering if she was the only normal youkai left. 

  
            **(Sesshomaru protests that there's nothing normal about being a detachment from Naraku.) **

**  
            (Kagura protests that Sesshomaru's comment doesn't mean a lot coming from a guy who can switch out one of his arms better then Mr. Potato-Head.) **

  
            **(Sesshomaru protests that he looks nothing like Mr. Potato-Head and that he thinks Kagura is just mad because she's obviously gaining weight.) **

**  
            (Kagura protests that Sesshomaru is just mad because he wishes he could look as good as she does in her kimono.) **

**  
            (Sesshomaru protests that Rumiko wouldn't give him a pretty kimono like he requested and thinks it's rather hypocritical of Rumiko to tell him he couldn't dress like a woman and then turn around and create Jakotsu.) **

  
            Kouga went in a different direction because he knew where the Inuyasha-tachi really was. When he got there, it was the typical scene for the group. 

  
            "I'm going to kill you!" Inuyasha threatened Shippo who tried to make off with his instant ramen. 

  
            "Kagome!" Shippo wailed. 

  
            "Osware!" Kagome yelled. 

  
            "Sango, your eyes are beautiful." Miroku told the starry burgundy eyed woman. That was before she noticed where his hand was. 

  
            After a resounding smack, Kouga cleared his throat and the group of heroes looked up. 

  
            **(Inuyasha protests that he is not a 'fucking goody-good hero' but instead 'the biggest badass of all time.') **

  
            **(Kikyo protests that she's a hero for enduring so many remarks about her physical state and also for not stabbing Kagome.) **

  
            **(Kagome would protest to Kikyo's comment if she could figure out what 'protest' meant.) **

**  
**            **(Kouga protests that he's the hero and therefore should end up with Kagome.) **

**  
            (Kikyo protests there are enough delusional idiotic heroes as it is.) **

**  
(Sesshomaru protests that _he would look much better in Kagome's outfit then Kagome and __he's the hero of the series as no one is more beautiful.) _**  
            **(Kagura protests that Sesshomaru has a wrinkle.) **

  
            "Hey Kouga, what's up?" Kagome smiled brightly at him. Inuyasha growled. 

  
            "Kagura is trying to find you guys because Naraku made you a picnic lunch and she has to deliver it." Kouga told them. 

  
            "What the hell?" Inuyasha was instantly confused. "Picnic?" 

  
            "Maybe it's poisoned." Sango suggested. 

  
            "We should head her off." Miroku strategized. 

  
            "I'll stay here and pretend to be one of you guys." Kouga instantly schemed. 

  
            "Alright, which one?" Kagome and the others looked at each other. 

  
            This discussion was rather long as first Miroku volunteered to go naked for the 'noble cause' but Sango ruled that right out. Then Inuyasha suggested that Kouga should wear Kagome's outfit as he was so used to wearing a skirt. Kagome thought the discussion was over and started to take off her shirt until Inuyasha noticed and immediately tugged her shirt down but forgot his hanyou strength and ended up ripping off her shirt. After sitting Inuyasha about fifty times, Kagome put on a new outfit somewhere behind some trees with Sango on guard. This was until Miroku made a comment about Kagome's rack and ended up getting the stuffing beat out of him by Inuyasha, Kouga, and Sango. 

  
            **(Sango protests that she was _not beating him up because she was jealous but because she was standing up for a fellow female.) _**

  
            It was finally agreed that Inuyasha should give up his clothes because he had his under shirt and pants still. Kouga put on the fire rat's pants and jacket, talking about how lame the outfit was. Inuyasha pointed out that Kouga wore a skirt. 

  
            **(Kouga protests that it also smelled as though it hadn't been washed since Inuyasha _killed_ the fire rat.) **

**  
            (Inuyasha protests that Kouga wears a skirt and it doesn't smell of anything but his masculinity.) **

**  
            (Kouga protests that Inuyasha's masculinity smells like he's harboring dead animals in his clothes.) **

**  
            (Inuyasha protests that he's saving those for later when he needs a snack.)**

  
            And so, Kouga waited as the others went their merry way from Kagura. She came a few minutes later. She had gotten sick of walking and was riding a feather. She flew down when she spotted red. When Kagura realized who was in the red outfit, she hit her forehead. Did the enemy think she was an idiot? 

  
            **(Sesshomaru protests that he only thinks she's a stupid, ugly, smug kimono wearing hag.) **

  
            **(Kikyo protests that her enemies think she's a boyfriend-stealing snipe which of course is untrue because in all technicalities...) **

  
            "I'm Inuyasha. I'm an idiot who tries to steal Kouga's woman." Disguised Kouga told her. 

  
            "My, what blue eyes you have." Kagura observed. 

  
            "Uh, the better to look more like Kouga with." Kouga tried to explain his eye color. 

  
            "My, what dark hair you have." Kagura was mildly amused by this. 

  
            "The better to...er, blend in around humans!" Kouga looked triumphant. 

  
            "My, what a kawaii wolf tail you have." Kagura faintly raised an eyebrow. 

  
            "Well, it is _pretty_ cute." Kouga agreed. "Wait, you think my tail is cute?" 

  
            "Er, no." Kagura blushed. "Now listen Kouga-" 

  
            "Inuyasha." Kouga butted in. 

  
            "Okay _Inuyasha," Kagura rolled her eyes. "Take this damn basket." _

  
            "I will, 'cause I'm Inuyasha." Kouga took the basket from her. 

  
            "Kouga, you're an idiot." Kagura informed him. 

  
            "An idiot with a picnic basket." Kouga looked triumphant. 

  
            "That's it, I'm going home." Kagura pulled out a feather. 

  
            "Kagura, do you really think my tail isn't cute?" Kouga asked with big pleading eyes. 

  
            "Oh fine, it's cute." Kagura gave in. 

  
            "Do you wanna have a picnic with me?" Kouga offered. 

  
            "I suppose." Kagura sat down and they ate the perfectly normal lunch which had no bad consequences. 

  
            Well, there was one. 

  
            "I'm hungry." Inuyasha whined. 

  
            So they all lived- 

  
            **(Sesshomaru protests that he had absolutely no part in this fic.) **

**  
            **Sesshomaru and Rin played in a flower field. 

  
            **(Sesshomaru protests that he wanted more but this fic was below him anyway.) **

**  
            (Kagura protests that Sesshomaru is a fat, wrinkly baby.) **

**  
            (Kikyo protests that this fight needs to end or else.)**

  
            So they all lived happily ever after. 

  
            **(Kikyo protests that it was very insensitive of the author to write that line.) **

  
Okay, so _some_ of them lived and some of them didn't happily ever after, the end.

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            Um, review and stuff! STUFF! (Um, I've lost it.)


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